just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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