Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
