If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
