please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
