Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
