Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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