she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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