i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
