I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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