if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
