dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
