I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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