Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
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