I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
