You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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