sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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