When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
