she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
