Apparently you make a good broom.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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