I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
