so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
