In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Randomize
