dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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