I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
