I didn't shave. On purpose
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So here I am, sexting at work.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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