i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
