i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
