A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
