First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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