I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
