FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
