He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
