Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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