i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
