I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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