Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
