Where did you get a picture of my penis
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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