Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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