My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
