I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
