How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
