you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
