i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
