why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
