So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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