respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
