the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
