If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
