I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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