You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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