Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How does it feel to date your dad?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
