Duck Duck Cougar?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
