Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She needs sedatives and a leash
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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