Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
